It was a rainy day. So rainy that I couldn't even see out of my car window as I was driving. All the windows were fogged up, the rain was crashing down hard on the windows, and no matter how fast my wipers were wiping, I still couldn't see. I was terrified and scared, wondering how I would make it to my destination safely. I can't do this. I can't even see where I'm going. I'm not going to make it. There was an old man next to me though...his hair was white and bright. He didn't speak, but his presence was comforting and he was there navigating me through the storm. I couldn't see but, somehow, he could and he guided me the entire way till the very end. Even in his silence, my fears were eased, and I blindly trusted that he would lead me to safety and he did. I woke up and remembered all the details of my dream. Everything was so clear and vivid. Who was that man? Was that God? Did God present Himself to me in my dream? Never did I ever have a dream about God, but I was pretty certain that it was Him. What did it all mean? I didn't know, but I was happy and it gave me hope that maybe He would bless us with some sort of miracle. I mean, God just doesn't show up in people's dreams for no reason, right?? It must have had some significant meaning! I took that dream and held it close to my heart, trusting that it meant something more than just a dream and that my interpretation was right. That dream carried me through the hardest of times until the end. I was angry that I foolishly poured my faith into a dream, a DREAM!!! Why did I think that my faithfulness of His promises would change our circumstance? Why did I foolishly believe that one day my husband would be just MIRACULOUSLY healed? I suppose that did happen. But it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. You KNEW EXACTLY what I wanted. You knew I wanted him to be healed on earth NOT in heaven!! You KNEW and you didn't give it to me!!! WHY!?!?! Why did you give me that false hope that you would??!?!
I was angry. I was angry at God. What had I done so wrong that made me so undeserving of a miracle??!? I was angry at myself-that I would twist my dreams around in a way where it was favorable to what I was wanting. That dream probably wasn't even from God..it was just my subconscious telling me what I wanted to see and hear. And for 3.5 years I naively believed that my husband would be healed from TERMINAL brain cancer.
Truthfully though, I think I did misinterpret my dream. I wanted to believe that he would be healed on earth and not in heaven. But I don't blame myself anymore. Because you know what? It got me through. If I had interpreted my dream the way it had come to fruition-as in, God would carry me through the hard and scary times till the end and I'll survive it all, I would have been mad as hell because that's not what I wanted. And now I see...I see that God kept his promise to me. It wasn't the way I had wanted it, but He kept his word and that counts for something. He followed me through to the end, through the entire storm. That's the funny thing about life. You can try as hard as you want to change the outcome to how you want it to be, but in the end it will always turn out the way God had promised it to be-because that was the way it was always intended.
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