What if I had never went to Vegas back in 2001 and had never met him? What if I had never given him my number? Honestly, I had no choice as I remember him asking to see my phone and then calling himself with my phone so that he could have my number. Even from the beginning, I was unsuspecting and clueless. If only I could have seen how tumultuous our relationship would be. If only I could have seen all the suffering I would have to endure...all the suffering my future kids would have to endure. I surely would have chosen a different path because who in their right mind would voluntarily put themself in a situation to be completely vulnerable to all the harsh, cruel and unfair realities of life? What kind of parent would just throw their children into the open burning flames?
But I guess that's why God forbids those sort of things. Because even God knows that if we saw what was in store for us, we wouldn't walk that path. And then what? Then we wouldn't be able to fulfill our purpose. Regardless of which path I chose, the fact is-my husband would have gotten cancer with or without me in his life. Maybe there would have been someone else next to him to care for him or maybe there would have been nobody at all. But it was me there. I was the chosen one. Because I had what it took to provide him with the type of meaning he lacked in his life. I gave him love and I multiplied that 6 times fold and I never gave up on him even though there were many times I was pushed up against the wall and felt like I had no choice but to throw my hands up and walk away from it all. I kick myself. Why didn't you?!?! Because...somehow, God was able to open up my heart and convince me to stay. It sounds maybe very cliche, but it's the truth. My faith pushed me to stay committed and it made me fight for everything I thought I deserved.
Apparently, I didn't deserve any of it as any 2nd or 3rd or 5th chance would be gone forever. I did everything you wanted me to!!! I stayed even when I didn't WANT to stay!!! And it's all because you told me to!! I listened to what YOU wanted, and you punished me!! It's not fair!!! I DON'T deserve this!!!! I sob. Mommy? Don't be sad. I love you, says my little one as he grabs a tissue to wipe the tears from my face and hugs me to comfort me. I see right then and there that even though I threw my kids into that relentlessly burning fire, they came out of it. More fierce than I ever could have. The fact that they even survived it at all is a complete miracle in itself. Not only did they walk out of that fire barely scathed, but they were strong enough to pull me out of it as well. I guess I didn't deserve any of it all, obviously. But maybe that's because God believes that I deserve more. More than I might have ever gotten if things went the way I had wanted it to. Just because that chapter ended, doesn't mean I'm not gonna get a 2nd chance. Just trust the plan and your faithfulness will be rewarded, my son tells me. How did you get so wise, I wonder. Perhaps it's because God already knew the road that we would be traveling upon and so he equipped every one of us with the proper things to get us through. And there's some kind of really special beautiful in knowing that. That regardless of your choices, every moment and person in your life was perfectly planned and placed to get you to where you are right now. I don't think I could have realized all this without going on this journey. And now I see that these kids couldn't have been made more perfectly for ME. And that through all this, I was SAVED. I was saved by my faith, through grace and now I see that I don't need saving anymore. I know there's more to my story and that it doesn't all end here. That's the other beautiful thing about all of this-you don't have to do a single thing to make your life go the way it has already been planned for you. You may not always like it or want it, but that's destiny.
No comments:
Post a Comment