Nothing's gonna change destiny

I learned this the hard way.  In life, you're made to believe you have choices and the choices you make will lead you to your desired outcome.  I suppose this is somewhat true, but in the grand scheme of things, no matter how hard you try, in time, destiny will take you to where you're supposed to be.

What if I had never went to Vegas back in 2001 and had never met him?  What if I had never given him my number?  Honestly, I had no choice as I remember him asking to see my phone and then calling himself with my phone so that he could have my number.  Even from the beginning, I was unsuspecting and clueless.  If only I could have seen how tumultuous our relationship would be.  If only I could have seen all the suffering I would have to endure...all the suffering my future kids would have to endure.  I surely would have chosen a different path because who in their right mind would voluntarily put themself in a situation to be completely vulnerable to all the harsh, cruel and unfair realities of life?  What kind of parent would just throw their children into the open burning flames?

That must be why God forbids consulting any type of medium in the Bible.  How do I know this?  My wise 1st child.  Any time I fall into desperation.  If I could just see how the rest of my life will turn out, maybe then I will feel better.  Or maybe if I could just know why the things in my past happened the way they happened, maybe I could just make sense of it all and feel ok about it.  I just want to see that your dad made it up to heaven.  Thinking if I bring his dad into my pleas, he will let me go see someone so that I can gain SOME kind of understanding to all of this.  No, mom!!  You can't do that.  God forbids it.  It says it in the Bible!!! You're just opening our lives up so the devil can enter it because whatever they tell you won't be words from God.  Just be patient and wait and trust that God has a plan.  I quietly whimper, I just want to do it for fun. 

But I guess that's why God forbids those sort of things.  Because even God knows that if we saw what was in store for us, we wouldn't walk that path.  And then what? Then we wouldn't be able to fulfill our purpose.  Regardless of which path I chose, the fact is-my husband would have gotten cancer with or without me in his life.  Maybe there would have been someone else next to him to care for him or maybe there would have been nobody at all.  But it was me there.  I was the chosen one.  Because I had what it took to provide him with the type of meaning he lacked in his life.  I gave him love and I multiplied that 6 times fold and I never gave up on him even though there were many times I was pushed up against the wall and felt like I had no choice but to throw my hands up and walk away from it all.  I kick myself.  Why didn't you?!?!  Because...somehow, God was able to open up my heart and convince me to stay.  It sounds maybe very cliche, but it's the truth.  My faith pushed me to stay committed and it made me fight for everything I thought I deserved.

Apparently, I didn't deserve any of it as any 2nd or 3rd or 5th chance would be gone forever.  I did everything you wanted me to!!! I stayed even when I didn't WANT to stay!!! And it's all because you told me to!!  I listened to what YOU wanted, and you punished me!!  It's not fair!!! I DON'T deserve this!!!! I sob.  Mommy?  Don't be sad.  I love you, says my little one as he grabs a tissue to wipe the tears from my face and hugs me to comfort me.  I see right then and there that even though I threw my kids into that relentlessly burning fire, they came out of it.  More fierce than I ever could have.  The fact that they even survived it at all is a complete miracle in itself.  Not only did they walk out of that fire barely scathed, but they were strong enough to pull me out of it as well.  I guess I didn't deserve any of it all, obviously.  But maybe that's because God believes that I deserve more.  More than I might have ever gotten if things went the way I had wanted it to.  Just because that chapter ended, doesn't mean I'm not gonna get a 2nd chance.  Just trust the plan and your faithfulness will be rewarded, my son tells me.  How did you get so wise, I wonder.  Perhaps it's because God already knew the road that we would be traveling upon and so he equipped every one of us with the proper things to get us through.  And there's some kind of really special beautiful in knowing that.  That regardless of your choices, every moment and person in your life was perfectly planned and placed to get you to where you are right now.  I don't think I could have realized all this without going on this journey. And now I see that these kids couldn't have been made more perfectly for ME.  And that through all this, I was SAVED.  I was saved by my faith, through grace and now I see that I don't need saving anymore.  I know there's more to my story and that it doesn't all end here. That's the other beautiful thing about all of this-you don't have to do a single thing to make your life go the way it has already been planned for you.  You may not always like it or want it, but that's destiny.

Promises

It was a rainy day.  So rainy that I couldn't even see out of my car window as I was driving.  All the windows were fogged up, the rain was crashing down hard on the windows,  and no matter how fast my wipers were wiping, I still couldn't see.  I was terrified and scared, wondering how I would make it to my destination safely.  I can't do this.  I can't even see where I'm going.  I'm not going to make it.  There was an old man next to me though...his hair was white and bright.  He didn't speak, but his presence was comforting and he was there navigating me through the storm.  I couldn't see but, somehow, he could and he guided me the entire way till the very end.  Even in his silence, my fears were eased, and I blindly trusted that he would lead me to safety and he did.  I woke up and remembered all the details of my dream.  Everything was so clear and vivid.  Who was that man?  Was that God?  Did God present Himself to me in my dream?  Never did I ever have a dream about God, but I was pretty certain that it was Him.  What did it all mean?  I didn't know, but I was happy and it gave me hope that maybe He would bless us with some sort of miracle.  I mean, God just doesn't show up in people's dreams for no reason, right??  It must have had some significant meaning! I took that dream and held it close to my heart, trusting that it meant something more than just a dream and that my interpretation was right.  That dream carried me through the hardest of times until the end.  I was angry that I foolishly poured my faith into a dream, a DREAM!!!  Why did I think that my faithfulness of His promises would change our circumstance?  Why did I foolishly believe that one day my husband would be just MIRACULOUSLY healed?  I suppose that did happen.  But it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen.  You KNEW EXACTLY what I wanted.  You knew I wanted him to be healed on earth NOT in heaven!!  You KNEW and you didn't give it to me!!!  WHY!?!?!  Why did you give me that false hope that you would??!?!  
I was angry.  I was angry at God.  What had I done so wrong that made me so undeserving of a miracle??!?  I was angry at myself-that I would twist my dreams around in a way where it was favorable to what I was wanting.  That dream probably wasn't even from God..it was just my subconscious telling me what I wanted to see and hear.  And for 3.5 years I naively believed that my husband would be healed from TERMINAL brain cancer.
Truthfully though, I think I did misinterpret my dream.  I wanted to believe that he would be healed on earth and not in heaven.  But I don't blame myself anymore.  Because you know what?  It got me through.  If I had interpreted my dream the way it had come to fruition-as in, God would carry me through the hard and scary times till the end and I'll survive it all, I would have been mad as hell because that's not what I wanted.  And now I see...I see that God kept his promise to me.  It wasn't the way I had wanted it, but He kept his word and that counts for something. He followed me through to the end, through the entire storm.  That's the funny  thing about life.  You can try as hard as you want to change the outcome to how you want it to be, but in the end it will always turn out the way God had promised it to be-because that was the way it was always intended.

To hell and back and somewhere in between...

For the next 3.5 years, I was placed in a special little hell made just for me.  Nothing seemed real.  And the only times that it actually felt real was when I'd break down and cry, only to feel the pain that forced me to accept that it was real. It seemed as though I would wake up from the nightmare at any given moment.  Because that's what it felt like-the reality of my life was just so bad, that it seemed like it was this continuous nightmare that replayed itself day in and day out.  There's absolutely no way that this kinda shit happens in real life. But apparently, it does.  Apparently, it wasn't just me going through this as I had found out someone I knew was going through pretty much the same thing.
What are the odds of that? I had met this mommy almost 10 years prior and we just kept in touch basically through social media.  I wondered if that was the purpose of our meeting-so that we could reconnect again 10 years later and support each other during this crisis.  All of a sudden, hell didn't seem as bad anymore because I had someone to share it with and I wasn't alone.  Was God having mercy on me? Did He know this was all going to happen from even 10 years ago?  Did He intentionally place this person in my life so we could help each other?  How could He have purposely let this happen to me? I was angry.  And then frustrated.  And then apologetic.  This was happening to ME because I'm just always so damn ungrateful.  I'm sorry!!!  I'm sorry for EVERYTHING I've ever done wrong.  Just tell me what I can do to fix it and I'll do it.  I'll go to church every Sunday.  I'll tithe 20%.  Heck, just take ALL my money-I don't even need it!  If you could just tell me what I can do, I'll do it.

MOM!!!, I hear my oldest yell.  A brother is born in times of adversity!!!  Huh? I reply.  He walks over to explain, It says it in the Bible, Proverbs 17-A brother is born in times of adversity.  God gave us baby G to help us through this, as he happily walks back to his room to continue reading his Bible. There's no denying that my 2nd child has given me the gift of comfort-something I could have never found anywhere else.  When people ask about the ages of my kids, they're always surprised that there's such a huge 8 year age gap.  I don't know...after having my first, I didn't want to have anymore children.  And then one day, I decided maybe one or two more would be nice.  Who knows why my feelings had changed.  Maybe God placed it there, at the most perfect time, because He knew what was to come.  And honestly, the timing really couldn't have been more perfect.  It was definitely more challenging and a lot of work for me since I was basically the only adult taking care of the entire family, but baby G was the only one I had that I could physically cling onto since he had no choice but to be with me at all times.  While everyone else went off to school or work or Dr's appointments, baby G stayed with me and never left my side.  It's ironic to think that perhaps I needed him, a baby, more than he needed me.  Where baby G provided me with comfort, my oldest provided me with insight, wisdom, and the ability to pull me out of my despair.  Yah, maybe a brother IS born in times of adversity, I thought.  And just like that, I was momentarily saved from my personal hell as God showed me His grace.  It was like He was there, even before the beginning, and He strategically placed certain people along the way, at the perfect times to show me-Hey, you're not alone.  I've been right here all along.  

Signs or Coincidence?

One morning I was in bed, watching the morning news.  This young woman with terminal brain cancer was planning on moving to WA from CA so that she could die with dignity.  Fast forward to +2 years where I'm, again, watching the morning news where the news anchor is announcing her temporary leave so she can spend time with her husband during his last days as he had succumbed to brain cancer. Not to mention the other two brain cancer cases sometime during that timespan, one being an acquaintance.  At the time, they were meaningless events to me. Of course, it saddened me, but it was irrelevant to my life and I mostly thought nothing of it and moved on with my life.

5 months after having my 2nd child, I noticed my baby's face was partially paralyzed.  If it weren't for the memory of my husband's grandmother with her half paralyzed face, I don't know if I would have immediately recognized it.  But right then and there as I was staring at his smiling face, I recognized that familiar face of my husband's grandmother and immediately knew something was wrong.  We took him to the ER, got him an MRI, and waited for the results.  I remember being so scared, crying and silently praying that it not be cancer.  Please God, please...just don't let it be cancer.  I'll do anything you want me to do, just let it not be that.  Was I not repeating the same words I had repeated just a couple years ago when we were in the hospital for my husband's seizures?  Maybe this time God wouldn't be as gracious because maybe I didn't follow through with my words, but, once again, by the grace of God, it wasn't that.  It was Bell's Palsy-apparently, something that happens when a virus hits a certain facial nerve.  Basically, bad luck, hopefully..

3 months pass by and life has pretty much turned back to the way it was.  My mom, who was temporarily staying with us to help out with the baby had gone back home since my baby's face was turning back to normal.   May 31, 2016 I'm checking the mail and I see a bill from my husband's ambulance ride to the ER that occurred over 2 years ago.  I think, that's weird.  How did they even find our new address and why are we receiving this bill after so much time has passed?  I thought it was strange, but just tossed it to the side to deal with it later.  Later would never come though because that same night, I made my 2nd call to 911 and the next day my husband was sent into surgery to remove a mass the size of a golf ball out of his brain.  My mom came back and 2 weeks later, he was diagnosed with malignant glioblastoma multiforme- the same terminal brain cancer I had watched about the years before.  The cancer that I was terrified of my baby having, the cancer that I was terrified of my husband having just 2 short years ago.  And all of a sudden, all of those seemingly meaningless, fleeting memories had meaning.

Wait.  Those signs.  God was trying to show me the signs.  ALL those signs!!  HOW COULD I HAVE IGNORED IT?!?  WHY DIDN'T I PICK UP ON IT???  So I replay it over and over again.  Was it all just a coincidence?  NO.  It's TOO big of a coincidence to be a coincidence!!!  SO WHY??  What's the purpose of it all!??! Was it some kind of foreshadowing??  Why did I not see the signs??  What if I saw the signs?  Could I have prevented him from getting brain cancer???  I never paid that old ambulance bill, by the way, and I never received another one.

Obviously, even if I had known at the time that they were indeed possible signs telling me that my husband was going to get brain cancer, what could I have done?  The fact is, he was diagnosed with GBM IV, a cancer so aggressive that it doesn't even go through the traditional cancer stages.  It starts as GBM IV and ends as GBM IV.  It's not something that metastasizes and goes from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4.  So even if I had paid attention to the signs and caught it early, it would still have been too late.  Why did I get that old ambulance bill??  What was the purpose in that?  To prepare me for what would come later that night?  I don't know.  I still don't really know the purpose of it all, but with the gift of hindsight, I see that quite possibly maybe they were just affirmations from God.  Perhaps nothing is a coincidence.  Everything is planned.  And God showed me those signs to let me know that he was with me all along...even before the beginning.

Fight or Flight

It isn't until you're confronted with a situation where you actually find out if you're the type of person to fight or flight. Looking back on my past experiences, it seems as though I tend to flight-something I'm not proud of as I sometimes LITERALLY run in the opposite direction of whatever it is that I'm not wanting to face. Like that time in the supermarket aisle, when I ran into an ex and ran the other way after he saw me. Surprisingly though, it seems as though in emergency situations, I fight. But ever so slowly. Maybe in my mind I'm thinking I'm slow, but in reality I'm going as fast I can. During those times of calling 911, my fingers couldn't have dialed those 3 numbers any slower.  

Ring Ring Ring What is your emergency?

He's having seizures, I say. Just hurry, please come! My address? It's 520 South Kingsley Drive.

Could you please repeat the address? You've got to be kidding me, I think. 5 2 0 South Kingsley Drive!!! Please!!! Just come, I frantically beg with desperation.  

Why are they so slow?!?! Every second feels like a minute, every minute feels like an hour. It's literally like someone pushed the slow-mo button on life as I push myself to go faster. WTF is wrong with you!?!?! JUST GO!!!! I start packing a bag...what will he need at the hospital? I pack extra clothes, a blanket, toothbrush and toothpaste. That's another thing-I'm impractically practical in emergencies. So you'd think by the 2nd emergency, I would have been a pro but I was, disappointingly, the same. At least I know that I will stand and fight when I need to-calm and cool, ready with a packed bag, no matter how seemingly slow.

Hindsight is 20/20

They say hindsight is 20/20. So I keep on looking back to my past, all the way back to 2001, reliving all the moments that I remember, trying to make sense of it all, piecing it all together, making sure I didn't miss anything...just to make sense of exactly how I even got to where I am in the first place.
 
How did I get here? Why are things the way they are right now? Did I do something wrong? Did I not choose the right path? How many times have I replayed my memories and all the different possible scenarios just to make sense of it all. Maybe if I chose that instead of this, I wouldn't have all the struggles I deal with now. I shouldn't have chosen THIS instead of that! But I did. And here I am, trying to deal with it all. One things for sure...I see now that we were probably always meant to say goodbye.